What do kids understand about divorce?

Finding the right Columbus divorce attorney can help the whole family.

Though it might seem counterintuitive, divorce — like marriage — is a family affair. Even infants can sense tension between parents. Recognizing what your child is going through, and the kind of support he or she needs at different developmental stages of life, is critical to guiding them through this uncertain time:

Infants

Understandings

• Babies feel tension at home but can’t understand why there is conflict
• Older infants notice when one parent is no longer living in the home.
• May regress or show signs of developmental delay.

Emotions

• May become more irritable and clingy.
• Changes in sleeping, napping and other daily routines.

What parents can do

• Keep normal schedules and routines, especially during bedtime and meals.
• Reassure babies of your continued presence with extra physical affection and loving words.
• Provide your child with his favorite toys or security items.

Toddlers

Understandings

• Recognize that one parent no longer lives at home.
• May express empathy toward others, especially an upset parent.

Emotions

• May have difficulty separating from parents.
• Toddlers are self-centered and may think they’ve caused their parents’ split.
• May express anger toward parent.
• May regress, such as returning to thumbsucking or resisting toilet training.
• Sleeping and naptime routines sometimes change. They may have trouble falling asleep or sleeping alone.
• Older toddlers might have nightmares.

What parents can do

• Spend extra time preparing your child to spend time apart (for example, arrive 10 to 15 minutes early when dropping your child off at daycare).
• Provide physical and verbal reassurance of your love.
• Don’t get frustrated with our child’s regression, but offer love and reassurance.
• Assure your child he or she is not responsible for the divorce.
• If possible, work together with your ex to develop normal, predictable routines that your child can easily follow.

 

Preschool and early elementary children

Understanding

• Preschoolers recognize that one parent no longer lives at home.
• Elementary school children begin to understand that divorce means their parents will no longer be married and live together, and that their parents no longer love each other.

Feelings

• Will likely blame themselves for the divorce.
• May experience uncertainty about the future, keep their anger trapped inside, have unpleasant thoughts or ideas, or suffer from nightmares.
• May worry about the changes in their daily lives.
• May exhibit signs of sadness and grieving because of the absence of one parent.
• Preschoolers may be aggressive and angry toward the parent they blame.
• Because preschoolers struggle with the difference between fantasy and reality, children may have rich fantasies about parents getting back together.

What parents can do

• Repeatedly tell children the divorce is not their fault.
• Reassure children of how their needs will be met and of who will take care of them.
• Stick to a schedule for time with the other parent. Be supportive of children’s relationship with the other parent and do not put your ex down.
• Read age-appropriate books together about divorce.
• Tactfully yet firmly remind children that parents will not get back together.
• Children of this age need to feel safe and secure and to know they will continue seeing their noncustodial parent.

 

Preteens and adolescents

Understanding

• Understand what divorce means but may have difficulty accepting the reality of the changes it brings to their family.
• Might still blame themselves for the divorce.

Feelings

• May feel abandoned by the parent who moves out and align themselves with the “good” parent against the “bad.”
• Boys may fight with classmates or lash out, while girls may become anxious, withdrawn or depressed.
• May act out in uncharacteristic ways, such as using bad language and becoming aggressive or rebellious.
• May experience a sense of growing up too soon.
• May start to worry about adult issues, such as the family’s financial security, and feel obligated to take on more adult responsibilities.
• Children can experience upset stomachs or headaches due to stress, or may make up symptoms in order to stay home from school.

What parents can do

• Continue to foster open communication with children, reiterating your love and continued involvement in their lives.
• Whenever possible, both parents need to stay involved in children’s lives. This means knowing your children’s friends, what their interests are and keeping up with school and extracurricular activities.
• Where possible, maintain regular family traditions, like Sunday dinner, homework time or game night.
• Never use teenagers as confidants. Take personal time with your adult friends and family members.
• Give children plenty of time to prepare for who will (and will not) be attending special occasions, such as sporting events and graduation ceremonies, especially if you plan to take a new love interest.

Ask a Columbus divorce attorney.

If you have more divorce questions for Gus Dahlberg, contact Babbitt & Dahlberg to schedule a consultation with one of our trusted attorneys.

Photo Credit: thejbird via Compfight cc

Posted June 17, 2014 by Gus Dahlberg in Ohio divorce